My identity can only be understood to me as small vignettes from various points in my life. Short memories that, looking back upon them, shaped how the rest of my life would turn out and the person it would make me into. My family has always been a complicated situation for me to try and understand. The actions we have performed, the statements we've said that should've always remained unspoken. It's all shaped me into the person I am today, which defines the actions I perform every instant. I can't always find the logic behind it. But understanding how my life has been defined in the last year explains the identity I hold today.
I used to struggle a lot with silence. I'd try to keep music playing all the time or volume from a game, something to ring throughout my ears and occupy my mind. But there's a big difference between sound you choose to play and sound that savagely bashes its way into your eardrums until you hold your head and fall to the floor, unable to hear another word and hope that it will all eventually drain away. But it doesn't. It's a long struggle of waiting for the storm to pass in a place that it hasn't rained for hundreds of years. That's all I can define my parents divorce as. Constant fighting, screaming, manipulation, hatred, depression, lack of will to go on with the next day as I lay in bed and debate the point of even trying to get up and face the next. Family represents a key role in our lives. Our family is seen to us as the one rock that holds everything together; family is binding, and family is always there for each other. So to see your own family, the rock that holds your life in place, fall apart, it's easy to see how it can make you follow suit. But what's broken down can either remain broken or be rebuilt, this time stronger. The breakdown of my family left me in not only a metaphorical hole, but almost a physical one. I battled with this constant fight in my head to move on every single day for over a year straight; I'm glad to say now that I have come out stronger now than I ever have been. I've gotten used to working out these issues in my head, these small battles of mind over matter. Waking up and hearing screaming from the time that you finally get the will to crawl out of bed to the time that you crawl back in at the end of another day takes a toll on your capacity to stay involved all the time. I've now developed the ability to literally stare at a wall for over an hour straight just lost in my own thoughts, drowning out the world.
I suppose now the question is, how does this define me? I guess I’d like to say that I think the whole last year of my life kind of shot me out of childhood for good into the real world. I still like to think I’m a kid sometimes, but seeing the breakdown of the one thing I saw solid in my life brought me into reality like I haven’t quite experienced before. Certain traits of me have become more free flowing and open with others; I’ve developed a love for the people around me and those in my life who truly matter to me, those who keep me going and care to see me make it to the next day. Although I’m not the biggest fan of Kelly Clarkson, I’ve got to agree with her on one point: what doesn’t kill you actually does make you stronger. Strong enough to live through the day, and with enough strength to carry you through with willpower to the next. In the end, that’s what my parents divorce gave me. Some things in life don’t work out, but these are things that don’t define us. What defines us is how we react: do we shut down? Do we fight back? Do we surround ourselves with drugs or alcohol to the point that we hope to find another life that makes sense? Only you can find the answer for yourself. I know that I have, and I will never look back to the days where I’ve doubted it.
So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people.
When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.
When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.
Chief Tecumseh
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