my childhood memory

The day I carried my sister into the house from the hospital just over 10 years ago is a day I'll never forget. Holding her small, gentle body, I looked down at who would surely become my best friend over the next few years of my life. Someone to play games with, to teach about the wonders of the world, someone to laugh with and to love; I never found the friendship I always wanted in my life.

You see, I was never close with either of my older sisters. They both went through phases of their life and I always seemed to be the smallest focal point in either of their minds. While they were out hanging with other friends or, later on, partying, I, being the young and quiet sibling, stayed at home and did whatever I could preoccupy myself with alone. I rarely hung out with either of them and felt distant everyday; I still do. When my mother came into my room one day and told me that I was going to be an older brother, I shot up with joy. I'd finally have the chance to have a sibling that would be a best friend to me, someone I'd come home to from school and play basketball or soccer with. So when the day finally came that I carried her home through the door, I can't express how happy I was. We spent a lot of time together over the years as she grew up. I was the one that taught her how to walk, and pushed her everyday in her swing as she flew through the air laughing. Early on, we experienced the beginning of a friendship that grew distant as the years passed on.

Older age turned me into someone that was quieter and more reserved, not conversing much with my family or anyone really. Lily turned into someone that frequently tried to start fights with me and blame the beginning of such on me, resulting in me trying to keep more distant from her to avoid dealing with taking the blame. Going through the divorce of my parents broke Lily; she relied on me for peace and as a rock of solitude, and I couldn't provide it. I distanced myself from all those that truly mattered to me in my attempt of living on the outside, free of blame and not forced to converse with anyone that brought pain into my life. The best friend I always hoped I'd have and wanted hardly ever speaks to me anymore. We never play games without finishing them yelling and hitting each other. There's rarely a time where we pass by each other without trying to trip or kick the other. Sometimes I like to believe that's how siblings are supposed to be, but other times I'd like to know what it'd be like for things to be different.